


Not Really Qualified to Teach

by GrayceAdamsArchive



Series: The World Does (not) Revolve Around Perrin Fletcher [3]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: ASL, Gen, High School, Human AU, LGBT characters, M/M, Miscommunication, OWCA, Sign Language, Teaching, Trans Character, human perry au, mute character, preslash, sorta - Freeform, they already banged but theyre not banging on the regular lmao, unrealistic depictions of science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 15:46:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4841150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayceAdamsArchive/pseuds/GrayceAdamsArchive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And yet, somehow, Perry ends up undercover at Danville High, while simultaneously juggling his family life and spying on his reformed nemesis. Little does he know, both sides of his life are coming dangerously close to colliding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Fall, 2007. Danville.

The teaching gig was more or less an accident. Perry was simply skulking around Danville High waiting for Heinz’s inevitable Catastrophe of the Day that would require his intervention when Principal Lang came upon him.

Now Perry wasn’t usually one to lurk around high schools waiting for disaster to strike, but ever since Heinz had quit evil and Perry had been put on simple surveillance duty, he was so _bored_. Especially with all the kids in school, Perry had very little to occupy his days, and thus was stuck creeping around DHS like some sort of weirdo, waiting on Heinz’s usual bad luck to provide some form of entertainment. Even if that sort of entertainment came in the form of Vanessa’s ex boyfriend being turned into a crossbreed between a lizard, a gorilla, and a teenager. That had been a strange first day of Supposedly Reformed Doofenshmirtz. Though no one could really say that he’d done it on _purpose_ , so it couldn’t really be counted as _evil_. Just an accident.

Like Principal Lang assuming Perry was there for an interview, since he was dressed so nice and pacing around outside the front of the building.

“You must be here about the open teaching positions!” Lang boomed, startling Perry so bad his hat nearly fell off. He spun around to stare at the balding man who somehow managed to be shorter than himself, and started awkwardly fluttering his fingers as if typing on an invisible keyboard while he tried to come up with a quick cover story as to why he was hanging around the high school at 32 years old. Jeez, he was slipping. He used to be more suave than this.

Lang didn’t even notice Perry’s fumbling or obvious reluctance as he swept an arm around Perry’s back and shepherded him into the school. Groaning inwardly, Perry scrambled to come up with a good, non-creepy reason why he was standing outside that didn’t involve explaining he was a secret agent, nor here to apply for a job, but he kept coming up with nothing. Lang half-pushed him past a bored-looking secretary in the school’s outer office and through the door labeled PRINCIPAL.

“So!” Lang exclaimed, gesturing welcomingly at the chair in front of his desk, which Perry sat in awkwardly, chewing the inside of his lip. “Currently we have two open positions that need covering, one for someone going on maternity leave and the other who’s just up and quit! And I also have a particular science teacher that needs replacing, you don’t happen to teach science, do you?” Perry frowned and shook his head, suspicious that Lang was referring to Heinz. Though a little unorthodox, Heinz was a good teacher; his class was one of the favorites among students, despite the fact that Johnny had been turned into some sort of...whatever on Heinz’s first day, and then there’d been the thing with the whole school getting covered in goo, and...other stuff.

“Too bad,” Lang sighed. “The first is for an AP history class, and then a Sign Language course that might be cancelled if we can’t find someone to replace Howard.” Perry perked slightly at the mention of sign language and Lang looked up from examining his blunt fingernails. “You’re pretty quiet, aren’t you?” he said and Perry resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

 _I don’t talk much,_ he signed. Lang just looked at him blankly.

“I guess you’re here to take up Howard’s job, then. Mrs. Pierpoint!” he barked, apparently summoning the secretary from outside.

“Yes, Principal Lang,” she sighed, spinning a pen between two of her fingers, a notepad in her other hand as she appeared in the open doorway.

“You know sign language, right?” Lang demanded.

“Rudimentary,” she said, glancing at Perry with a faint spark of interest. He awkwardly waved, and she just cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, see if this guy can teach a room full of teenagers and then start on the paperwork,” Lang said, turning back to Perry. “She can help with the rest. Hope to welcome you aboard, Mister...uh.” With a small sigh, Perry turned to Mrs. Pierpoint.

 _My name_ , he signed, then finger spelled, _P-E-R-R-I-N F-L-E-T-C-H-E-R_.

“Perrin Fletcher, sir,” Pierpoint repeated verbally, scratching something down on her notepad. His name probably, Perry assumed.

“Mr. Fletcher! Very good,” Lang nodded, rounding his desk to settle in his chair, pulling the keyboard for his computer closer to him.

“This way, Mr. Fletcher,” Pierpoint commanded, leaving the principal’s office with Perry trailing in her wake, a faint air of defeat around him. “Let me just get the paperwork together,” she said, one hand darting across her computer to get documents printing at a nearby computer.

While pretending to view some of the rather tacky art hung around the outer office, Perry typed a shorthand message into his agency wristwatch, alerting Carl and Monogram to the situation. A reply came in just a few moments later, as Pierpoint was stapling a thick stack of papers together.

_Good opportunity to survey D. Accept job. OWCA will get you through the door w/out problems._

Perry groaned quietly at the message, hiding his irritation behind a mask of polite interest as Pierpoint called him over to start on the paperwork.

He _hated_ paperwork.

A couple of hours later he escaped just in time for school to let out, and was swept along in the river of chattering students through the building and back outside. From snatches of conversation, he didn’t think anything too exciting had happened in Heinz’s class today, aside from something to do with a very large amount of pink styrofoam. He couldn’t imagine what that had to do with science, but since nothing too dangerous had happened, Perry stuffed his hands in his pockets and headed for his car, which was parked around the corner.

He’d been looking forward to seeing Heinz today, too. If only to divert an impending disaster that had never happened.

 


	2. One

The next Monday, Perry found himself standing in front of his closet at five thirty AM, wondering what the hell teachers were supposed to wear. Heinz wore a dress shirt, tie, and lab coat, but that seemed much more fitting for his role of science teacher rather than someone teaching ASL. Besides, Perry didn’t even own a lab coat. And it wasn’t like he could go in his O.W.C.A. uniform. Beyond that particular outfit, Perry’s daily wardrobe usually boiled down to jeans, sweats, and comfy t-shirts, with the regular skirt or three making an appearance. He didn’t think Lang would be terribly impressed if Perry showed up on his first day in an old Love Handel band tee.

Grumbling, Perry flicked through the hangers in his wardrobe, going through what little other clothing he owned. A tux wasn’t really appropriate either, and neither were the few disguises he’d collected from undercover work for O.W.C.A. Finally, he came upon a few sweater vests, a couple of spare ties, and some assorted collared shirts of questionable colors. They’d been rejects from when Zee had been helping him put together his agent outfit (he’d just wanted basics, but she’d insisted on making him a unique look. _All the best agents have a unique look, P,_ she’s said). They would do well enough for a high school teaching cover. He couldn’t find his contact lenses, so he pushed his glasses onto his face and put in one of his earrings just for kicks. There was a chance of it getting ripped out in a fight, so he didn’t wear them too much anymore, but he’d gamble a little today.

“You’re up early,” Linda remarked when he shambled downstairs to fill a travel mug with coffee, watching her prepare breakfast for the kids. “Dressed so nicely, too. Great sweater vest.”

 _New job_ , Perry signed before pouring creamer into his cup and capping it.

“Oh, you didn’t say,” she said, mild accusation in her voice. He gave her a regretful expression, realizing he’d completely failed to tell his family about his sudden hire at DHS. “Steadier hours?” Perry nodded, taking a slow sip. He frowned when the steam fogged up the lenses to his glasses. He suspected the boys of filching his contacts for another project and wondered if they did it just to annoy him. It wasn’t like they couldn’t just _buy_ a pair to use.

 _Teaching ASL at high school_ , he admitted.

“I didn’t know you were qualified to teach,” Linda replied, looking surprised as she set the table. Perry just shrugged. “Well, good for you,” she smiled. “I’m not sure how Candace will take it. She’ll probably be embarrassed. Teenagers.” They shared a small grin as the sound of the kids getting up for the day started on the second floor.

Phineas made it downstairs first, looking almost shocked to see Perry up and about. He tried not to feel too offended. He did have a tendency to sleep later than the rest of the family, but that was only because work usually kept him up all hours of the night and didn’t ever start until after nine AM, at the earliest. Most days Perry didn’t even leave his room until eight. It wasn’t Perry’s fault everyone but him and Candace were natural early risers.

Ferb was close behind his brother, and both boys, already dressed, dug into their breakfast, talking about the project from the weekend while Linda shook her head and muttered to herself about wild imaginations. Candace was last downstairs, looking like a zombie and still in her nearly fluorescent pink pajamas.

 _Want a ride to school today?_ Perry signed at her, but she just blinked at him blearily. He rolled his eyes and decided to try again when she was actually conscious. The teen slumped over the side of the table and groaned as Linda set breakfast in front of her, along with a few pills.

“I have to shave today,” Candace mumbled, slowly grabbing at the pills on the table before raising her head to wash them down with a quick sip of water. “I hate shaving. How do you stand it?” She glanced over at Perry, who rubbed at his own clean shaven jaw with a slight shrug. He’d always had rather thick body hair, and his face was no exception. He’d gotten used to the chore of shaving his jaw and upper lip clean every day before Candace had even been born. She only had to shave once a week or so.

 _Practice,_ Perry signed, shrugging. Linda pressed one hand to Candace’s cheek as she passed her, her own coffee in her other hand.

“You know, I think it’s starting to thin out, honey,” she smiled as Candace perked up a bit.

“Now if I could just grow boobs like every other girl my age,” she mumbled under her breath as her mother walked away. Perry smirked into his coffee when Ferb made a face at his sister across the table, who didn’t catch the expression.

 _I’m sure you will,_ Perry signed, and she ducked her head a bit, obviously not having meant to have been heard. _You want that ride?_

“What do _you_ have to do at the high school at seven o’clock in the morning?” Candace asked suspiciously.

“Perry got a new job,” Linda said brightly, running her fingers through Phineas’s wild hair as she passed him on her way back into the kitchen. “He’ll be teaching ASL, won’t you, dear?” Perry nodded when Candace gave them a mild look of horror.

“You’re going to be teaching? At my _school?_ ” she demanded and Perry signed yes, hiding a grin behind the rim of his cup. “Oh, God. It’s bad enough that I’m just known as Phineas and Ferb’s sister. Now this!” She threw her hands up into the air and then took off back upstairs.

“Oh, dear,” Linda said, making to set down her coffee in order to pursue her daughter.

 _I’ll talk to her,_ Perry signed, stopping her. He followed his cousin, whom he often considered more of an almost-daughter, like Phineas and Ferb were almost-sons, up into her room, the door of which was just barely cracked. Perry tapped his usual double knock to let her know it was him, and after a moment she called for him to come in.

“What,” she asked dully, standing in front of her mirror comparing two identical pink tops before shrugging one on over the plain white sports bra she didn’t really need.

 _You’re upset_ , Perry signed, making a slightly distressed face at her. She sighed and flopped down onto her bed to start pulling on her shoes.

“Sort of. Not really,” she said, frowning at her toes before reaching out a hand to him without looking up. He took it and she pulled him closer until she could lean her head against his chest. He stroked her hair, which she’d grown so long in an effort to look as feminine as possible.

“I’m just, you know, so overshadowed. By everyone! Phin and Ferb are geniuses, everyone in town knows it. And you’re….you-you’ve got that whole, handsome mysterious guy thing going on, and I’m just...related to you guys, at best. At worst, I’m… freakish,” she said, her voice puttering off into a mumble towards the end.

“Yer nae a freak,” Perry grumbled, one hand tangled in Candace’s hair and the other wrapped around her shoulders. She started a bit at the sound of his voice and then laughed quietly.

“I always forget you’ve got that accent,” she complained, straightening up to push him away. “Oh, God, look what you did to my hair!” Rolling his eyes, Perry grabbed her brush from her vanity and followed her to the bathroom where she grabbed a pink electric razor sitting by the sink. While she carefully removed every hair from the lower half of her face, he gently brushed free the few tangles he’d made in her hair.

“There, done,” she turned to face him, and he pretended to pluck at a hair on her upper lip, grinning when she made an affronted noise.

 _Ride?_ he signed and she looked thoughtful.

“Can we pick up Stacy?” she asked hopefully, and Perry glanced at his watch.

 _Gotta hurry_ , he signed.  

“Yay!” she cried, whipping out her cellphone and rushing back downstairs. Perry shot Linda a thumbs up when he passed her on the way out the door, pausing to hug the boys before they too climbed into the car. Candace was already there, bouncing with slight impatience.

Driving in the normal, everyday car was painfully slow in comparison to the hovercraft or his jetpack. There was traffic, and Perry quietly mourned the loss of his action-packed life already as he sat at the fourth red light in a row. Stacy was chattering up a storm in the backseat after they picked her up, dropping the boys at the elementary school soon after.

“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you’re going to be taking over Mr. Howard’s ASL class! He was, like, the worst old man ever,” Stacy said, leaning forward far enough to make her seatbelt click in complaint at the stretch.

“Isn’t he that guy who smelled like NyQuil?” Candace asked, turning her head to look at her friend.

“Uh-huh! And always had that pickled whatever sandwich for lunch,” Stacy said, nodding. “He just up and quit last week! I heard his daughter’s having a baby so he’s retiring to eternal Grandpahood.”

“I heard his son ran off with the family fortune and he’s leaving to track him down and get it back,” Candace said.

 _And there’s the full spectrum of the high school rumor mill at work,_ Perry thought to himself, tapping his fingers on the steering while as he waited for his turn at the light.

“Oh, please. He was working as a high school teacher, what sort of fortune could he have had stashed away?” Stacy countered. “No offense, Perry.” Perry just shrugged. The salary from working at DHS was hardly anything to him; he made double the yearly salary of the average high school teacher in just six months working for O.W.C.A. And it wasn’t like he needed the money. He’d worked plenty of free hours for the agency before when times were tight ( _thank you, Major Monogram’s second jet, just so he doesn’t have to change the radio station,_ Perry thought sarcastically). He ended up funneling most of the money he made into Phineas and Ferb’s projects, or into one of four savings funds, just in case. Lawrence and Linda made a comfortable living with the antiques shop, and Perry deposited a regular amount of money into the family bank account when bills started to loom every month. The Flynn-Fletchers weren’t really in need of funds, and probably never would be, what with Phineas and Ferb on the fast track to being world-renowned geniuses and inventors.

The girls continued to chatter until Perry pulled into the school parking lot, where he somehow managed to find a spot about five minutes before the first bell. Candace and Stacy quickly ditched him, waving and taking off for the gaggle of girls standing by the school’s front doors.

Slowly pulling his mostly-for-show briefcase from the car, Perry watched with narrowed eyes as the cluster of girls easily welcomed Stacy among their ranks, but just barely let Candace squeak in between them. Perry observed as the bell rang and they swarmed inside along with dozens of other students, a frown starting to appear across his mouth.

Perry knew well how cruel high schoolers could be to anyone who wasn’t up to their standards of “normal”, and though Candace hadn’t outright said anything about bullying at school, he was a little worried about her after that little display. He made a quick mental note to keep an eye on her as he realized that he was probably going to be late to his own class on the first day. Oops.

Half running into the building, Perry tried to recall where his classroom was, realizing after glancing at a framed map on the wall that it was right across the hall from Heinz’s. Lucky break.

 _Or not,_ he thought, remembering O.W.C.A.’s involvement in getting him hired.

Regardless, he had about two minutes to get into that classroom before he was late, and he spotted Principal Lang heading in that direction up ahead of him. It wouldn’t be quite professional of Perry to blow past the man at a full sprint, would it? Probably not.

Changing direction, Perry headed back outside, and then ran at full speed around the building until he was about four stories below what he was around eighty percent sure was the window to his classroom. About fifty seconds remained until final bell.

Well, he was about to make an entrance all his students would be talking about for a while. Hopefully no one would really believe them.

Ditching the briefcase, Perry glanced around to make sure no one was watching and then started scaling the wall, using window ledges, decorative edging in the wall, the drain pipe, and various other crevices or handholds on the exterior of the building to scramble up to the window. The classroom was only about half full, and Perry knocked loudly on the glass to get their attention. Twelve pairs of disbelieving eyes set on him, and a thirteenth simply looked thrilled, even if the rest of her face was arranged to look carefully bored. It was with a slight burst of pleasure Perry noted that Vanessa was apparently taking his class.

He waved at her with slight urgency, and she darted over to slide the window open.

“Perry? What are you doing? Dad’s across the hall,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

 _I know,_ Perry signed, half-falling through the open window in his hurry. _Explain later_. She shrugged and shut the window behind him as the final bell rang and Perry did his best to lean casually against the teacher’s desk after running half way round the school and then scaling almost fifty feet straight up the side of the building. The class, aside from Vanessa, were all staring at him like they couldn’t believe their eyes, and he shot them an awkward grin and a shushing gesture as the door to the classroom popped open, revealing three or four more students trickling in late, followed closely by Principal Lang. He looked surprised to see Perry, glancing between him and back over his shoulder in mild confusion.

“Mr. Fletcher! I didn’t see you come up,” Lang said, nodding his head slightly. “Did you take a longer route? The main stairs are right there.” Perry bit hard at the inside of his cheek against a smirk, giving him a so-so gesture as an answer. “Okay, then,” Lang said awkwardly before turning to the small cluster of students, who’d begun whispering among themselves. “Students! This is your new teacher, he’ll be taking over for Mr. Howard, who, uh, unexpectedly retired last week. Your substitute fondly bids you all goodbye, as I’m sure you know.” A slight ripple of laughter ran through the students, and Perry idly wondered what they’d done to the poor sub for them to not even show up and hand him over the class, instead leaving it to the principal.

“I’ll leave you to it, your resume was quite impressive, so I’m sure you’ll get a handle on things fairly quickly,” Lang nodded at Perry, who just blinked at him before shooting him a generic thumbs up. What the hell had O.W.C.A. done to his paperwork? He’d put that this would be his first teaching job when he’d initially been forced to apply last week.

Lang gave him a completely unironic and entirely far too enthusiastic thumbs up back before letting the door fall shut behind him.

“So…” said a voice from among his students, and Perry turned to see a girl with bright blonde hair eyeing him with great interest, “you just climbed in a window.” Perry gave a slightly sheepish grimace and nodded, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.

“Care to explain that, then?” Vanessa said, managing to sound bored even though her mouth was twitching with amusement. Perry shrugged, wondering if these kids understood a lick of sign language yet.

 _Can any of you, besides Vanessa, sign at all?_ he asked, and garnered nothing but blank looks. Vanessa merely gave him a slightly offended glance before leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. Sighing, Perry picked up a marker and resigned himself to a long day of writing on the whiteboard.

_I am Mr. Fletcher, Mr. Howard’s replacement._

_And today, I was running a little late._

“So you climbed the side of a building to beat Principal Lang up here?” a gangly boy asked from the back, sounding half incredulous, half impressed. “Dude.”

“Not like you to be late,” Vanessa remarked, somehow producing some gum and popping it loudly. He frowned at her and signed _no_. “What, no late?”

 _No gum_, he scrawled on the whiteboard, groaning. This was going to be a long day.

“Man, why don’t you just _talk?_ Like, I know it’s an ASL class and all, but come on,” the lanky teen in the back complained. Vanessa turned slightly to glare at him, and Perry winced, waving a hand to quickly intervene before she could either snap at the other teen or reveal she knew even more about her new teacher than she strictly should.

 _I am mute._ Perry scrawled on the board, tapping the marker loudly next to the words until he was sure everyone had at least glanced at them. Mute wasn’t technically correct, but it was the clearest and most concise way to get his point across. He wouldn’t be teaching this class verbally.

“Oh,” Lanky said, sounding very uncomfortable.

“You could at least _apologize_ , you rude-” Perry rapped his knuckles against the whiteboard as Vanessa’s voice started to rise, doing his best to look stern. After being most of a father to three (and sometimes four) kids, not counting neighbors, Perry had stern down to pat. Vanessa slouched down into her chair, and Lanky ducked his head in shame.

 _No harm done,_ he scrawled.

“So why were you late?” piped up a new voice, and Perry turned his head to see a chubby girl with short curly hair sitting in the second row, large glasses perched on her rounded nose.

Shrugging, Perry wiped half the board clean and wrote, _I was dropping off my kids._

“You have _kids?_ ” Vanessa nearly shouted and Perry winced. He nodded and held up three fingers. She stared at him in what he could only guess as a mix of horror and outrage, though he couldn’t imagine why. The rest of the class seemed a little disturbed by her outburst as well, glancing between her and Perry with the air of gossip to be had.

Reaching a mild desperation to get things back on track to some semblance of an actual classroom and not just an explanation as to why he climbed in the window, Perry cleared the board completely and wrote at the top, _how much did Mr. Howard teach you?_

“Most of us can sort of fingerspell, I guess,” Glasses said, leaning her chin in her hand.

“And then there’s the easy signs, like hello, sorry, thanks, stuff like that,” Blonde said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “You never took roll, you know. Are you sure you’re a teacher?” Perry frowned at her. He didn’t _talk_ , how was he supposed to call roll?

Sighing, he put the marker down to search through his desk for what he assumed was the attendance book. There was a coffee ring stain on the cover, and a couple of the pages had scribbles in the margin, but it was what he was looking for, so Perry dropped it open on the desk and started slowly, painstakingly, fingerspelling out the names of each of his students.

Including Vanessa, he had sixteen students in this period, most of whom had never taken an ASL class in their life before this semester. Vanessa knew more signs than the rest because of Perry being around a lot since she was about twelve, thwarting her dad’s evil schemes and all. Lanky (whose actual name was Terry) was a fast finger speller, though not always accurate. Glasses, real name Lorrie, picked up regular signs the fastest, but her grammar was terrible. Beatrice “Bea,” the blonde, fell somewhere in between them, and the rest of the class trailed along in what Perry decided to deem the expected performance zone. Which meant they knew how to fingerspell their own names, say thank you, and a handful knew the sign for sorry.

Perry spent the entire class period evaluating their skills and correcting any glaring mistakes, and pairing each of them up with a partner, since ASL was easier to learn when you had someone to practice with, similar to any language.

When the bell rang for passing period, Perry waited until almost all the students had gone to flop face down on his desk and actually groan out loud. Only Vanessa was around, and he didn’t even raise his head when she snorted.

“So what are you actually doing here? Besides being a halfway decent teacher,” she asked, leaning against the edge of his desk.

 _You think I’m a good teacher?_ Perry signed without lifting his head, hiding a small grin against the surface of his desk.

“I never said good,” she groused. “And you didn’t answer my question.”

 _You’re going to be late,_ he tried distracting her again, and he could practically feel the eyeroll.

“I have Dad next. He’s right across the hall,” she said. “Stop being a jerk, Perry.”

With a small sigh, Perry signed, _was doing my job, spying on your dad._

“To make sure he’s not doing evil again,” Vanessa said.

 _Yes_ , Perry nodded his fist before continuing, _L-A-N-G thought I was here to apply for job. O-W-C-A thought it would be a good opportunity to observe your father better_. Vanessa laughed at the face he gave when he signed Lang’s name. He sat up to sign better, and he shared a small smile with her.

“How long do you think you’ll be teaching here, then?” she asked, picking slightly at the edge of her sleeve. He just shrugged, and it was the truth. O.W.C.A. would probably leave him here as long as they felt Heinz needed surveillance. Though he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to perform any secret agent-y things when he had a class full of teenagers to teach. Monogram really needed to think things through more often.

Vanessa shifted from foot to foot for a second, and then finally burst out, “Kids, huh?” Perry looked at her funny, wondering why she was so stuck on that.

 _Yes_ , he repeated. _Three_.

“How, um, how old are they?” she asked, inspecting her nails with far too much critical scrutiny to be innocent. She glanced up to catch his signs, though, so he knew she wasn’t just making polite conversation.

 _15, 11, 10,_ he supplied.

“Fifteen?” she repeated, sounding a little deadpan. “Do they go here?” Perry shrugged and then nodded, not seeing the harm.

 _You’re going to be late-_ Perry started to sign, but was interrupted by the door to his classroom flying open.

“Do you know what they’re saying out here?” Candace half-shouted, not even noticing Vanessa as she stared at Perry in apparent horror. “They’re saying you _climbed in the window!_ What is up with that? It’s all anyone will talk to me about! You’re almost worse than Phineas and Ferb! I’m telling Mom!” Yanking out her cell phone, Candace disappeared back into the hall, and Perry could almost hear Linda’s tired sigh from halfway across Danville as she put it to her ear before the door fell shut again.

“Candace?” Vanessa said blankly after a moment before whirling to face him. “ _Candace_ is your daughter? Oh my God!” Perry’s brain seemed to skip a track for a moment there, and he blinked at her in confusion.

 _What?_ he signed, wondering what had her so upset. Candace wasn’t really his daughter, she was his cousin. Their last names weren’t even the same, surely Vanessa must realize-

“You have a daughter _my age_ and you never told me? Never told _Dad?_ ” Vanessa cried, throwing out her hands, a few angry signs fluttering from her hands as she barreled on, “I _know_ something happened between you two this summer, and now I find out you have three kids we had no idea _existed_ , I mean- do they even _know?_ Oh, my God, what about Candace’s mom? She told me her parents are married, stupid-happy married! Jesus, Perry!”

-ooor not.

Perry waved his hands in a _wait, wait, wait_ gesture, but Vanessa didn’t seem to want any part of it. She snatched up her bag and made for the door.

“I can’t do this right now, Perry, I really can’t, I have to go see Dad next and I don’t know-- _crap_ ,” Vanessa said as the late bell rang. “I have to go.” And then she bolted, leaving Perry standing in an empty classroom and wondering how badly he’d just accidentally screwed up his entire life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two will be posted on Tuesday! :)


	3. Two

Perry had the middle period of the day free, so he spent part of it fretting at his desk with his head in his hands, wondering if Vanessa had already blown the news to her dad, shattering any sort relationship he might have had with the man, even if none of what she had assumed was true. Groaning, Perry let his head fall all the way back down to the surface of his desk.

Why couldn’t anyone ever just _listen_ to him?

Just because he didn’t talk didn’t mean he couldn’t communicate if someone would just give him the second to sign or write it down. But _noooo_ , certain teenagers had to just come barging in and yell all the right words to get _other_ certain teenagers to go and tell their fathers that apparently Perry had been unfaithful to a wife he didn’t even have with a man he wasn’t even sure he was dating.

_Was_ he dating Heinz? There’d only been the one… _incident_ over the summer, and while there was a certain change in their relationship, there’d also been no sign that anything actually _had_ tangibly changed. The nearly suffocating tension just felt like it had lessened a bit between them. They held hands sometimes, but they’d done that before That Day, too. They spent a lot of their free time together, but so did platonic friends.

He couldn’t really deny the sexual tension that seemed to mount the longer they were around each other, if he were honest. But they hadn’t _done_ anything since the one time. He was still confused on whether Heinz wanted to completely forget about that or was stuck in the same sort of limbo Perry was.

It didn’t much matter though, if Vanessa told Heinz that Perry was married with three kids.

A humourless laugh escaped him as he thought about what it would do to them all. His cover blown, his relationship with his best friend and his daughter completely ruined; he’d lose everything. He’d have to relocate. His family would find out all about him being a secret agent, and then also be promptly informed that he’d died in the line of duty, a lie to protect the agency. And that was the happier version. The worse one involved scrubbing every memory of his existence from their brains until it was like he’d never existed at all. That’d involve a lot of legwork, since most of Danville knew Phineas and Ferb, and thus at least knew of Perry. Just like the second dimension all over again, but worse. He’d never see his boys again. Never help Candace through her current troubles, see her grow into the confident and strong woman he knew she’d become some day. Never help Linda and Lawrence with their antiques again, never see another one of Phineas and Ferb’s inventions. He’d certainly never see Heinz again, either.

Perry spent a few moments wallowing in self-pity before his usual steely determination kicked in and he sat up straight to glare at the door to the classroom. He wasn’t going to just sit here and let everything he had and everything he loved be ruined by a simple misunderstanding! He just had to talk to Vanessa, and hope she hadn’t talked to Heinz yet.

Marching out of his classroom and down the hall a bit, Perry peered in through the glass window in the door to gauge the situation. Heinz was up by his chalkboard, drawing what looked like a complicated diagram of DNA, glancing every few seconds to where Vanessa was sitting in the very back, looking absolutely miserable. From what he could tell, she hadn’t told him yet. Still a chance to fix things!

Knocking a bit, Perry popped open the door to Heinz’s classroom, grinning sheepishly and pushing his glasses up his nose.

“And if we move-oh, he _llo_!” Heinz said cheerily, waving a bit of chalk at him. “Can I help you?” Perry blinked at him for a second before realizing that Heinz didn’t recognize him.

_Oh, for the love of- they’re just glasses!_ Perry smiled politely at him, waving back before gesturing at Vanessa. She was staring at him in disbelief, and Perry gave her a slightly pleading expression before Heinz seemed to pop up right next to him.

“Hello, hello, I’m Doctor _Heinz_ Doofenshmirtz! You must be the one who’s taking over Gary’s class!” Heinz grinned, sticking out his palm. Perry shook it, smiling brightly at him. That seemed to dazzle him a bit, giving Perry a chance to shoot Vanessa a stern, but desperate expression that almost always worked on his other kids. She gave him a blank, vaguely angry look in return. Damn.

Heinz seemed to recover himself enough to realize that he and Perry still had their hands locked, even though the handshake had been over for a good thirty seconds or so. Perry hadn’t noticed. He spent enough of his time holding Heinz’s hand that it felt almost natural now. With an awkward laugh Heinz pulled his hand free, rubbing the back of his neck and flushing a bit.

“So, _yes_ , I’m _Heinz_ , as I said, and I didn’t quite catch _your_ name there…” he stammered out, and Perry saw a few of his students roll their eyes. Shooting the offenders one of his worst glares he could manage with Heinz’s gaze still on him, Perry turned his attention back to his nemesis.

_Sorry_ , he signed, before finger spelling out _P-E-R-R-I-N F-L-E-T-C-H-E-R_.

“Ohhh, you prefer to _sign_!” Heinz grinned broadly, quickly signing out _hello, my name sign is Hienz_. Making the sign for doctor with his hands held in the letter “d” shape instead of the traditional “m,” Perry recognized the name sign he’d given to Heinz himself ages ago. He flushed, realizing he hadn’t prepared a backup name sign for himself. The name sign he’d given Heinz before was simply a flourished letter P, but he obviously couldn’t use that here. So instead he gave him his family’s name sign for him.

_My name sign is Perry_ , Perry signed, flicking the usual flat-palmed sign for blue, but with his fingers folded partially to form the letter P. Heinz wouldn’t know it stood for _Perry_ specifically, but a name sign was a name sign.

“Oh, _clever_! It’s the _hair_ ,” Heinz grinned, pointing at Perry’s head. “Actually, I know this _guy_ -” Perry cleared his throat gently, trying not to squash Heinz’s enthusiasm in too ruthless of a way. “Oh, _right_ , sorry, you _wan_ ted something! I do tend to _ramble_ , bad habit. What can I do for you?”

_Need to talk to V_ , Perry signed, pointing at Vanessa for extra emphasis. _Just a little. Won’t take long_.

“Oh, _sure_ , sure! Vanessa _sweetie_ , go talk to Mr. _Fletch_ er, didn’t you have him last period?” Heinz grinned, waving a beckoning arm at his daughter with increasing amounts of flailing until Perry was worried about getting hit in the face. After a second she sighed loudly and slouched out of her seat, heading for the door and refusing to look at Perry.

_Thanks_ , Perry signed at Heinz, giving him an extra big and sincere smile for the trouble. Some of his relief and familiarity must have slipped through because Heinz gave him a bit of a startled look before grinning back.

“Anyway, as I was _say_ ing, if you move _this_ -” Heinz returned to his lecture, circling almost half of his carefully drawn diagram as Perry slipped back out of the classroom after Vanessa.

She glared at him before staring pointedly down at the ground, arms crossed tightly over her chest.

“Look ah mae,” Perry growled, and her head jerked up automatically to stare at him, like most people when they heard him talk. This was the second sentence in a day. Nothing else requiring speech better happen today, he thought, or he’d been dealing with a PTSD flashback on top of everything else.

_I am not married_ , Perry signed, showing her his unadorned ring finger for extra emphasis. _I have never been married. I’m G-A-Y._

“But Candace--,” Vanessa sputtered.

_Is my cousin,_ Perry signed hurriedly. _Her father is my uncle. Her mother my aunt. I call her and her brothers my kids because I helped raise them all from very young ages, or from birth in one’s case. They are not my biological kids. I would call them siblings, but there’s a big age gap and it doesn’t describe the relationship with them well enough. They’re not my children. They’re just… they’re my kids. I don’t have a wife I’m cheating on. I haven’t had interest in a woman since I was your age. And she was a pretty damn special case. But trust me, I’m pretty gay. For your dad. If that wasn’t clear._ Vanessa stared at him, and then burst out laughing. Perry stared at her.

He swore, he would _never_ understand teenage girls. Never.

_What,_ he signed irritably.

“You know, I only caught like every third sign, you were going so fast,” she wheezed. “But I think I got the gist. Especially the last bit.” She giggled and he ran a hand down his face in mild irritation. “Sorry, sorry. Look, I really am. Sorry, I mean. I totally overreacted. I just… you two are so _good_ for each other, you know? And then I thought… well. I was just really upset.” Perry nodded, patting her shoulder.

_You know you can’t tell him,_ Perry signed, much slower now. She gave him a curious look. _You can’t tell him who I am. Who my family is. As long as he’s still on the threat list, he can’t know. I’d lose everything. My family. My kids. Him. Everything._ Perry’s shoulders slumped at the thought, and just for a moment he let his barriers drop, let his face really show what he was feeling.

Vanessa made a shocked, wounded sound and Perry quickly blinked the openness in his face away, glancing over at her. She looked physically pained, reaching out hesitantly to put a hand on his elbow.

“Oh, Perry,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry. I almost… God. It won’t happen again. I trust you, I really do, I just… sometimes it feels too good to be true, you know? Dad not being evil anymore, just being a regular good guy. My internship at O.W.C.A. Mom and Sam. Dad and… y’know. You guys. Finally working it out.”

_If you can call one fuck and then going back to normal working it out,_ Perry said, a little glumly.

“Perry! Gross! That’s my dad!” she groaned, swatting at him in mild disgust. “But yeah. I know, but still. You’re getting there. And I won’t say anything. Not until you’re sure it’s safe. I don’t want you going anywhere. Who would plan my birthday parties? Dad?” She shuddered in mock horror, and Perry grinned a little. Her expression turned a little sly and Perry eyed her warily.

“Was it at least a _good_ one fuck?” she teased and Perry glanced up to the ceiling for strength from whatever deity might answer as his brain unhelpfully conjured up the vivid memory of Heinz and himself rutting against each other desperately. He could feel the burning in his cheeks, and the half-horrified, half far-too-amused for her own good expression on Vanessa’s face told him he was blushing pretty damn hard.

“ _Hellooo_ , just wanted to make sure everything was _okay_ ,” Heinz called, popping his head out the door of his classroom. Perry nearly jumped a mile and Vanessa laughed as he blushed even deeper at the sight of the man he’d recently been remembering engaging in - _ahem_ \- intimate relations with. Heinz blinked at them both, seeming surprised to see his daughter so relaxed, and a little bemused by Perry’s red face.

“ _Behave_ for a minute, and _don’t_ touch the DNA scrambler!” Heinz called back into the classroom before stepping out into the hall with Perry and Vanessa. “ _How’s_ it going, honey?” He glanced at Vanessa, who grinned and ironically gave him a thumbs up in a near-spot on imitation of Perry. All she was missing was his fedora. He was almost tempted to pull it out and put it on her just for kicks.

“Fine, Dad,” she said when Heinz just looked at her in confusion. “Mr. Fletcher just wanted to let me know that I’m the best in class so far.”

“Oh, _really_?” Heinz grinned broadly. “That’s great! You know it’s _proba_ bly because of _Perry_ , he taught you lots of signs I didn’t know. He’s a _great_ family friend, you know. One of the best things to ever _happen_ to us.” Heinz turned to look over at Perry, who somehow managed to blush even deeper at the praise.

_I’m sure he feels the same of you_ , Perry managed to sign, biting his lip and glancing over to glare a bit at Vanessa as she tried to smother a laugh behind her hand.

“That’s _nice_ of you to say,” Heinz said, a slight tinge of pink appearing in his own cheeks as he observed Perry’s face. “You know, you _really_ remind me of him for some reason. Like teal isn’t that _common_ of a hair color, but I suppose I’ve seen _stranger_ ones. There’s a boy at the _elementary_ school nearby who has green hair. _Green_! Says it’s _natural_. Most peculiar thing I’ve ever heard. Do you _dye_ yours? It’s so vibrant.” Perry missed the next couple sentences as the knowledge that Heinz had probably been talking to Ferb at some point consumed his brain for a moment. He calmed enough to re-enter the conversation as Heinz was saying, “-but he doesn’t _wear_ glasses, and usually when he shows up it means _trouble_ , so really I guess the similarity ends at the hair. Not to say you're _not_ handsome like he is, I mean, of _course_ you’re handsome, but _Perry’s_ like, _wow_.” Perry quickly held up a hand to stop the man’s flow of words, almost twitching with the urge to just grab him and either shake him until some sense rattled into that strange brain of his and he recognized Perry, or pull him in close for a hug or a kiss or _something_.

“You _okay_ there, Fletcher?” Heinz hesitantly reached out to grab onto the hand Perry was holding up. “ _Perr_ in?” Perry’s heart leapt at the touch and at his full name, which he’d never really liked. It sounded pretty okay when Heinz was the one saying it.

And that, really, was the moment when Perry knew he was well and truly lost.

Looking up to stare Heinz right in the eyes, Perry managed one more word, just one more word for this day.

“ _Aye_.”

Surprise flickered across Heinz’s face, a tiny hint of recognition, and then a whole lot of suspicion. Perry was sure he was about to say something, blow his cover, but he really couldn’t be bothered, because if Heinz recognized him right now, Perry would kiss him, consequences be _damned_.

But before anything could happen, there was a really loud crashing noise from inside Heinz’s classroom, and then a couple of excited and mildly terrified screams. Heinz sighed very loudly before whirling around to throw open the door for his classroom, letting go of Perry’s hand.

“Didn’t I _say_ not to touch the DNA _scramb_ ler?” he yelled into the classroom, hopping out of the way as half his class poured out of the room with distinctly frog and rat like characteristics mixing with their human features.

“Sorry, Doctor D,” the afflicted students mumbled unanimously, looking properly chastened.

“I hope you didn’t _break_ it, it’ll take _forever_ to turn you back without it, you know,” Heinz said, ushering them back into the classroom and making to follow them before pausing. Turning back to Perry he grinned his usual hapless grin, pointing at him cheerfully. “Oh, nice _meeting_ you, Mr. Fletcher! Glad to hear Vanessa’s doing _well_.”

Vanessa and Perry stood in silence for a few moments, listening to the quiet uproar of Heinz’s chaotic classroom.

“Think he knows?” Vanessa asked after a minute, glancing between Perry and the door.

Perry stared at the door for a long while, and then pushed his glasses back up his nose.

_No_ , he signed. He would have said something. _You know he can’t keep his mouth shut about anything._

“True,” Vanessa admitted. “You’re right. And I should probably get back, and help fix this latest disaster.” She took a step closer and leaned her head against his shoulder for a second. “See you later, Perry.” He waved as she disappeared back inside the classroom, and then quietly returned to his own. It seemed like Heinz had the unexpected mess in hand, and he could use a little bit of time to relax after this very, _very_ long day.

It was probably going to be a very long semester, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Doc for betaing for me, and to Winnie and Hava for pre-reading!


End file.
